broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
