i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
