so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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