I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
