is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
