I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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