Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
