Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
