it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
