There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
