We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The uberlube is also flammable
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
