At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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