Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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