it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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