I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
