If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
