Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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