the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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