I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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