i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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