Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
