did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
