Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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