i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
