I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
