I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
