thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
