We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
