Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
