I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize