She told me I should be a condom model.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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