final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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