So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
