I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is the high leading the old right now
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
