ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize