Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
