omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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