my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
