I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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