That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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