I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
