Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my liver is dry heaving
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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