I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
