I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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