Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Mom said you looked used
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
