I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
