So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
