I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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