I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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