Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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