I have demons in me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
