Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
