The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
