Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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