She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year