So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Bring me that man meat
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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