I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
