Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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