Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
