I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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